We hired Owlbert to be our Pigeon Bouncer. His job was to keep the pigeons off the front stoop at the warehouse because they were leaving "deposits". We had no idea that not only were we hiring the best pigeon bouncer in all the land, but we were also getting a ludite coffee aficionado to boot! -Ben

As you may have surmised, I am the one called Owlbert, and upon this retail establishment do I find my roost. I also do frequent a haberdashery of high repute some three furlongs hence upon a fortnight, and one may upon a whiles find me accompanying gentlemen and ladies while engaging in only the most noble of tomfoolery.

The purveyors of this fine establishment did query me as to which coffees show the most promise for a wholly delectable and ambrosial piquancy by the purchasers thereof. Therefore, I have leveraged my magnificent whit and enumerable experiences to provide you, dear reader, a trustworthy & reliable enumeration below. Enjoy, my friends.

Ex Strix Scientia — From the Owl, Knowledge.

Question: Owlbert, I’m having some good friends over for a formal dinner. We like to have fun, and we enjoy good strong food. I’ll be serving pan seared steak, roasted vegetables, baked potatoes, and red wine. What would you recommend as a coffee that pairs well with strongly flavored foods?

Answer: Ah, yes, the quaint enjoyments of compatriots true and savory vittles. ‘Tis verily one of life’s simplest and grandest joys. I am reminded of a recent evening, during the waxing of the winter moon, whereupon a select few of my own acquaintances journeyed to my domicile for a delectable dining experience similar to that which you have described above. I found that Papua New Guinea Sigri, Sumatra Mandheling, and Ethiopia East Harrar were all bold enough to maintain prominence upon the palate amidst such a cornucopia of intensities.

Question: It’s a grey, rainy Monday morning, and all my senses are asleep. I just had a bowl of cereal and couldn’t even taste it because I’m still half asleep. Is there a coffee that will awaken my senses? Not just with caffeine, but with exciting flavors and aromas?

Answer: But of course, my good man (or woman)! Not everyone truly appreciates the intricacies of a potent arabica brew, and the bourgeois do frequently assume inaccurately that a darker roast is nigh unto a bolder flavor. When the order of the day is that of activity, yet my fowl senses are foul, I turn to one of two options: Kenya AA, or Yemen Mocca Sanani. The Yemen can be slightly milder, but is just as complex — especially as it cools.

Question: I’m snuggled by a warm wood fire in my den on a windy night. I’m cozy and relaxed. What am I drinking, and what am I eating?

Answer: A cold & windy night, lazing beside a crackling fire with a fine feathered friend reclining against one’s fluffed down…surely there be few delights greater to be had upon this mortal coil. Dear reader, if you feel the unction to bake, I shall endorse making cream cheese cinnamon rolls, and brewing a sufficiency of Guatemala MC Decaf. If, however, you should prefer the niceties of unadulterated relaxation, I would suggest that you have a bar of fine dark chocolate — 70 percent cacao — and brew some Sulawesi Toraja to accompany it.